Imposter Syndrome
Here in the biz (of academia), we talk a lot about Imposter Syndrome. I don’t think it’s inherently sociological; all neurotic people have one form of this or another and, let’s face it, academia is the meeting place for everyone with some form of “mental quirk.” Imposter Syndrome is the looming feeling that you are not “enough” of what you need to be where you are and will eventually be “found out” by those who surround you and who you’ve been tricking all this time.
I have this. In many facets of my life (mostly because I’ve followed what may be an “unconventional” path towards everything I’ve ever done…I am not a trained teacher, musician, or counselor and I “practice” all with legitimate versions of all of these on a daily basis). Today I met with the music director at Loyola to discuss the 3 weddings I’m singing on Saturday and I’m thinking to myself, “Why do people let me do this? This is crazy. Don’t they know that I should not be allowed to go anywhere near this music?” I had to physically restrain myself from suggesting that maybe he should reconsider his thinking here. I’m just a girl who’s tripping (literally…not in the peaceful sense) into all of these areas in which I really have no business. At least, so I think.
What I wonder is if this ever goes away. I’m a high achiever; I’ve never felt that I deserved or actually earned any of it. My history is a smattering of lucky timing and, frankly, intervention on some level that I don’t even understand. I have no way to account for how I got to where I am. And I perpetually feel like my greatest accomplishments are rolling with the punches so well or talking my way so convincingly into the little shadowy corners of life that so intrigue me, that I’m fooling people who should know. I live in fear that one of these days someone is going to stop and ask me these questions: “What are you doing here? How did you get here. Who let you in?”
Ugh. I feel nauseous just thinking about it. And yet it might be a relief. Anybody have a cure for this…well, except for dangling it on my public web page and tempting the universe to go ahead and find me someone who will ask me these questions (that I think I deserve…) to see if it actually kills me?
I bet it won’t. And that just seems like I’ve won again…by employing my crazy scheme. And I’ll go on teaching people things, with the endorsement of people who seem to know, and singing things, and giving my opinion about things I know nothing. And I’ll worry about it. And wait for the day when someone calls me on it.
And then, of course, I’ll take it personally…