My Tent on The Beach

Wow.  Two weeks since the last post.  A lot’s been going on recently.  Andras left Chicago, I kicked out my dissertation proposal (yes, out of order…I’m not done with special fields yet), choir’s up and running, and today in Chicago, fall arrived.  Actually, with howling winds and a dramatic drop in temperature, it rampaged in.  And away we go.  Tomorrow will be Thanksgiving and I’ll wonder where the fall went.

But in all of this flurry of things, I’ve been looking for solace in the steadiness, or maybe steadfastness, of some things that never seem to change.  Nothing is ever static, obviously, unless it’s not animate.  But, since I’ve been fairly drama-free lately (and I have no problem with that), I’ve been able to stand as the outsider and look in to other’s life issues…and begin to see that they’re cyclical.  We’re happy then we’re sad.  We love and then we don’t…and then we do again.  We’re excited and then depressed. And when we think we’ve had enough of something, either good or bad, that something changes…but in predictable ways.  I’ve been re-fascinated by the cyclical ways in which we work even when we know it and we know what’s coming.  We are so predictable and yet never really seem to learn or to let go.

Yesterday I was at the Alpha Sigma Nu induction…finally, the Jesuits thought I was honorable enough to pay them $75 to wear a medallion at graduation…what can I say…it was a vendetta from my Marquette days.  Anyway, the speaker reminded me of a quote from one of the Jesuit martyrs that I think is interesting.  He said:

We are not human beings looking for a spiritual experience.  We are spiritual beings embedded in a human experience.

For some reason, it really spoke to me yesterday, especially in the light of all of these cycles I’ve been watching: some of self-destruction, some of loss, some of finding joy, some searching for love.  I think de Chardin is right.  The spiritual side of us, that which cannot be seen by observing us in our physical presence, is why we do what we do.  If it were all rational and logical, we’d never choose to repeat some of the things we do.

So I guess it’s funny that in all of these changes I see happening so rapidly, that it’s really just a coming around the mountain again.  In fact, I’ve probably written about this very thing already…several times.

We never really change.  We are the steady in a context that moves around us and carries us with it.  We respond. But do we change?

I’ve been held hostage in my apartment by UPS today.  The helpful little sticky left for me on my front door yesterday boldly (and helpful) proclaimed that UPS would attempt a re-deliver today sometime between the hours of 10:30am and 5pm.  They must now be conspiring with the cable company to offer very constructive information regarding their paid visits.

Anyway, because of this, I’ve wanted nothing but to go outside of my apartment and, thus, have had to keep myself busy in other ways.  All hasn’t been lost though.  Despite my bondage, I’ve had a good day here including (but not limited to):

1. Forcing Andras to bring me his “good-bye” lunch instead of going out for it.

2. Finishing a UW project exceedingly fast…when all I wanted to do was walk away from it.

3. Feasting on Trader Joe’s food almost constantly.

4. I’m going to work out here in 5 minutes or so.  Usually, this urge wouldn’t strike until at least 7:30pm.

5. Cleaning the kitchen.  I know.

6. The possibilities feel endless at this point.

I always feel some kind of relief when this person shows up and gives me the go-ahead to assume freedom.  But until then, I suppose there are worse things I have to endure.

Like getting a PhD…but I’ll worry about that later.

I have a friend.  Very often with this friend, things can get tough…quickly.  It’s a complex relationship, complicated by a myriad of factors.  If it was anyone else, I’d probably have given up a long time ago.  But the 2nd rule of the universe is that you can’t give up on kindred spirits…ultimately, they make the world go around.  (The first rule of the universe, of course, is that you never leave home without the “holy trinity”–keys, cell phone, wallet–doesn’t matter the length of the trip…they’re all you really need.)  Kindred spirits are just too few and far between to let  go.  And so, when the tough times pop up, I grit my teeth, hunker down, and hope it’s almost over (much like every visit to the dentist).

Needless to say, Thursday wasn’t a super great day which led to a swamp of a mess with this particular kindred spirit.  Thankfully, crisis ended.  Fairly quickly.  The good thing about observant and equally committed kindred spirits is that they acknowledge that rifts wreck their world as much as they wreck yours and so we set about correcting the situation fairly quickly…but it wasn’t crisis averted.  It was tough. And disruptive.  And weird. And uncomfortable.  And I was edgy and upset.  And the world tilted in an uncomfortable direction for awhile.

This happens about quarterly.  My “go-to” friends know this and actually can see it coming.  “Hey…how are things with that kindred spirit friend of yours?” they’ll ask, checking their watch and noting it’s been almost 4 months since the last time my world got temporarily wrecked.  And we’ve been through enough now that I’m not worried, as I once was, that every wreck spelled “I got dumped by my kindred spirit.” (Those are low days…I’ve been dumped by kindred spirits before…that does cause major life trauma that scars.)  Because of the regularity (almost clockwork) of these happenstances, I try to really think them through and learn from them, lest we not repeat the horror.  And here’s what I realized after this one: This particular kindred spirit relationship cannot withstand the mundane.

I say that with admiration, actually.  One of my life goals has always been to find people who inherently interest me.  And every person I have called a friend has done this to some degree.  But I have other kindred spirits who are really “everyday” kindred spirits; we keep in close contact, we support each other in essential ways, we see eye to eye through the mundane.  But with this one particular kindred spirit who feels so similar to me I often experience a “mirror effect” when together, I know that the everyday, the grind…it’s a killer.  That, precisely, has caused every single wreck we’ve walked through.

I guess I’ve known this for awhile.  But somehow I thought the progression of the relationship over time would change this.  It hasn’t.  We cannot get caught in the mundane.  It only spells trouble.  And this is the price of interesting.  Because interesting is really not about functionality.  And why would I ever want it to be?  If I have a kindred spirit who is willing and able and enjoys engaging conversation about things that no one else will, why would I ever want to clog that up with the boring reality of the everyday?  But I’m always compelled to do it…and it always causes problems.

I’m reading Thomas Merton right now…”No Man is an Island”…and his main point is that, in everything, individuals cannot be all things to all people.  This, I think, is true of kindred spirits as well.  While I have those who are willing to support me on a day-to-day basis, all friends do not fit this category.  But both “kinds” are equally important.  And while I want to be connected on a daily basis to a person that’s so similar to me…I just cannot.  I think it might not meant to be that way.  And as much as I want it to be that way, I have to find a new perspective.  And just hunker down for the next wreck…which by my calculation is scheduled to take place around early December.

But interesting will always win, no matter the price.

I bought a new car on Friday.  In my old car, the “check engine” light would go on randomly, oh I don’t know, every other week. So I chucked it and bought a new (but simple) car.  That was Friday.  Yesterday the check engine light when on.  In the new car. Holy shit.

And I lost my mind.

Blinding rage? Fury? No, just a quiet, growing anger manifesting itself as what became raging, fiery heartburn.  In a momentary out-of-body experience as I was digging through my closet for the Tums (which have Calcium, I realized, so at least I had my RDA dosage of that), I realized that this is not a healthy coping mechanism. So, over my coffee this morning as I’m piecing back together what are the twisted and broken shards of my mind, I’m trying to work my way through what might be going on here.

I don’t have an answer.  But what I know is that I’ve become prone to really flying off the handle, most especially when inanimate objects are involved.  I won’t lose my mind with people.  I almost never have gone loco on a person.  But when something crosses my path–take cover.  This has happened when the cable goes out, my computer malfunctions, my coffee maker bites the dust, MY CHECK ENGINE LIGHT COMES ON…you get the drift.  It’s a Thing thing.  And so, I wonder if this is my own craziness constantly creeping up on me or if it’s a symptom of a greater social condition.  What I’m wondering is if Facebook has done this to me…

Here’s the thing: I’ve become used to speed (not the narcotic, although there are days when I consider it) and functionality.  Usually I love it: I’m in love with being in the know NOW.  So, Facebook lets me see what my friends are doing now. Gmail tells me instantly when I get an e-mail.  I can pay my bills and have the total deducted from my account now.  I’ve grown completely intolerant of anything that 1) breaks or 2) takes more than 3.4 seconds.  Which I think is the root of my check engine rage.  (Also connected is that this is a brand new thing that has now, inexplicably BROKEN ALREADY which just exascerbates this whole thing.)

What I don’t know is how to reverse it.  Yes, I can unplug and not engage with the face-paced world of technology.  But then I’m left behind. FAST. I know people who’ve done this and it’s like they’ve become irrelevant…and if there’s one thing I live for, it’s being relevant (although, now that I’m this far into this post, I’m left wondering…).  Unplugging is extreme.  My current state of plugged-in-edness seems extreme.  So where is the happy middle in determining the speed of life?  And how much control do we really have over it? How do I get Zen with very expensive things breaking in the first 5 minutes I have them when everything is a thing that I’ve paid for.  And has been promised to work?

This is not new, I know.  Since the invention of things, things have been breaking.  But it seems like now, in this shiny world of things everywhere that do amazing things very fast, failure is becoming way less of an option.  Because if I had a little C4 and duct tape, at this moment, I’d strap it to that car and show it who’s boss.

But maybe that’s an overreaction.

Who doesn’t remember Liz Lemon’s joy in going to Cleveland, home of her then-beau (and now much missed beau) Floyd, and being mistaken for a model? Even Jack Donaghy seemed to understand the the greatness of “fleeing to the Cleve” for a weekend. And so I have for the past couple days. Here’s how the equation breaks down:

7 people in
1 house with
3 dogs and
12 meals with
24 courses. I’ve gained
14 pounds and had to survive
6 hours with extended family. But I am the proud owner of
1 new Kia Rio 5 named “Zippy the Wonder Car.” I’ve also made
9 slides for a presentation due tomorrow and hope to write
3 pages before I leave. I’ll actually probably write only
1, but it’s something.

Here’s what I love about visits home: unlimited college football (whether you want it or not), unlimited cookies to be found, and I can walk 4 miles without passing one single person. We also have Sonic. Oh, and 2 widescreen tvs.

Will I be ready to head back to real life soon? Yes. But not tomorrow. Just soon.