Thing things
I bought a new car on Friday. In my old car, the “check engine” light would go on randomly, oh I don’t know, every other week. So I chucked it and bought a new (but simple) car. That was Friday. Yesterday the check engine light when on. In the new car. Holy shit.
And I lost my mind.
Blinding rage? Fury? No, just a quiet, growing anger manifesting itself as what became raging, fiery heartburn. In a momentary out-of-body experience as I was digging through my closet for the Tums (which have Calcium, I realized, so at least I had my RDA dosage of that), I realized that this is not a healthy coping mechanism. So, over my coffee this morning as I’m piecing back together what are the twisted and broken shards of my mind, I’m trying to work my way through what might be going on here.
I don’t have an answer. But what I know is that I’ve become prone to really flying off the handle, most especially when inanimate objects are involved. I won’t lose my mind with people. I almost never have gone loco on a person. But when something crosses my path–take cover. This has happened when the cable goes out, my computer malfunctions, my coffee maker bites the dust, MY CHECK ENGINE LIGHT COMES ON…you get the drift. It’s a Thing thing. And so, I wonder if this is my own craziness constantly creeping up on me or if it’s a symptom of a greater social condition. What I’m wondering is if Facebook has done this to me…
Here’s the thing: I’ve become used to speed (not the narcotic, although there are days when I consider it) and functionality. Usually I love it: I’m in love with being in the know NOW. So, Facebook lets me see what my friends are doing now. Gmail tells me instantly when I get an e-mail. I can pay my bills and have the total deducted from my account now. I’ve grown completely intolerant of anything that 1) breaks or 2) takes more than 3.4 seconds. Which I think is the root of my check engine rage. (Also connected is that this is a brand new thing that has now, inexplicably BROKEN ALREADY which just exascerbates this whole thing.)
What I don’t know is how to reverse it. Yes, I can unplug and not engage with the face-paced world of technology. But then I’m left behind. FAST. I know people who’ve done this and it’s like they’ve become irrelevant…and if there’s one thing I live for, it’s being relevant (although, now that I’m this far into this post, I’m left wondering…). Unplugging is extreme. My current state of plugged-in-edness seems extreme. So where is the happy middle in determining the speed of life? And how much control do we really have over it? How do I get Zen with very expensive things breaking in the first 5 minutes I have them when everything is a thing that I’ve paid for. And has been promised to work?
This is not new, I know. Since the invention of things, things have been breaking. But it seems like now, in this shiny world of things everywhere that do amazing things very fast, failure is becoming way less of an option. Because if I had a little C4 and duct tape, at this moment, I’d strap it to that car and show it who’s boss.
But maybe that’s an overreaction.