My Tent on The Beach

After months of feeling “not right,” I finally feel like I’m coming back around to my more normal self.  How do I know?  I’m watching and loving tv again and, incidentally, it’s a good season to be back in the saddle.  But over the past couple weeks, several magazines (EW, People, TV Guide) have put out their “Best of TV Lists” and it’s the usual categories.  I, however, in a nod to being different (something of a hobby for me) would like to name my new favorite “characters” on tv that may or may not being carrying entire shows. Because sometimes, the best characters are those who are cleverly wrecking havoc in the background somewhere.  Here’s my Top 10 favorite characters on tv right now…they may not be the best, but they give me great joy.

10. John Casey (Chuck) A hardened Marine employed to watch after naive Chuck, a important government asset, John Casey is nothing but annoyed, simmering dry humor.  Played wonderfully by Adam Baldwin (of Firefly fame), Casey never misses to deliver a snappy line under his breath just after saving Chuck…again…and he’s so dang cute.

9. Sam Axe (Burn Notice) Bruce Campbell is screen gold, no matter what he’s in.  But as Sam, Michael’s FBI agent friend who ratted him out but is still loyal, Campbell gives this show an interesting mix of levity and credibility.  The brand of ladies’ man introduced to us in The Rockford Files, Sam has seen and done it all and still has time for a beer.  No one…and I mean no one…has better hair or shirts on television these days.

8. Rachel Berry (Glee) In another life, I was Rachel Berry.  In a parallel world, I am Rachel Berry.  The aggressively talented sophomore “star” of William McKinley High’s glee club, Rachel Berry is the most perfect mix of intelligence, conscience, and obnoxiousness wrapped up in an impressive soprano belter.  The object of continual harassment by the “cooler” kids while and her own affections, Rachel somehow ends up being the competent, talented soul in this whole venture.  I just love her.  And she sings like a true star…while annoying the shit out of everyone.  Mostly I love that this character is so real.  I taught many students who were Rachels…it’s almost heartwarming to me.

7. Deborah Morgan (Dexter) This show is the story of a serial killer Dexter who commands most of the screen time.  But Deborah, his sister, is the most compelling character on the show.  She’s a self-made Detective of distinction who has watched her father die, was engaged/almost killed by the Ice Truck Killer, was shot and watched her beloved Frank Lundy die right in front of her…and solved the Trinity Murders–all without wanting to commit suicide.  But honestly, this character would be lesser without Jennifer Carpenter’s incredible acting.  She gives the most convincing performances that tap into the emotional edge that Deborah walks every day of her life.  I’m fascinated by Dexter’s serial killer, but I’m compelled by Deborah’s humanity.

6. Tracy Morgan (30 Rock) When this show started, I didn’t get Tracy so I paid much more attention to Liz and Jack.  But Tracy delivers the absolute BEST most nuanced lines in this entire show.  And this man-child-star character that appears so one-dimensional is actually evolving in a really interesting way, seen in his developing friendship with Kenneth.  I’m beginning to crave the moments when he’s on the screen.

5. Abed (Community) Played by Dani Pudi (who went to Marquette) Abed is the greatest example of Asberger’s disease as a term of endearment.  Creepy, weird, social inept…yet 100% lovable.  Makes whatever he’s doing absolutely hilarious, especially when paired with Trey.

4. Tom Colicchio (Top Chef) This feels a little unfair because Tom’s a real guy.  But he is the saving heart-and-soul of that show.  Padma, with her weird, distant delivery and snotty food commentary, annoys me in a “who do you think you are?” kinda way.  But when Tom talks, we all should listen.  But I was really sold on Tom in a Diet Coke commercial he did that airs during the show…he’s got a hilarious sense of humor, he knows and obviously loves food, and I think he gives very important feedback.  Watching the show, we can learn from Tom.  The others are just catty without him there.

3. Kurt (Glee) Man I love this kid.  Kurt is “the gay” in the glee club which could carry a particular stereotype, especially because his character knows his way around fashion.  But, in the middle of the season, we got a peek into Kurt’s life that was both endearing and granted him a really solid internal strength that counteracts the intended flamboyance.  And when he sang “Defying Gravity” as a countertenor, I cried.  It was wonderful.  I can’t wait to see where they take Kurt.  He’s got the most potential of the students in Glee.

2. Phil (Modern Family) Playing the insane dad with 3 kids, Phil is everything that fathers both should and should not be.  He’s goofy, loving, caring, girlie, clueless, tender, stupid…he’s what I think I want to be married to.  And what would drive me absolutely crazy to the point of murder.  It’s such a genius character for television, especially among all of the horrible “dad” characters that are either stupid or unreally attentive.  He’s real, I think.

1. Sue Sylvester (Glee) Such a fantastic evil walking through the halls of WMH.  Played impeccably by Jane Lynch, Sue Sylvester is the coach of the Cheerios who will stop at nothing to destroy the glee club just because it’s fun to watch innocents die.  With her swaggering arrogance, heartless manipulation, and refusal to apologize or show any evidence of a conscience, Sue is what everyone secretly wishes they could be if life really had no consequences.  But she does have a heart; she fell for Rod and when it didn’t work out she took it out in multiple ways on everything that crossed her path.  So wonderful.

Honorable Mentions: Liz Lemon & Jack Donaghy (30 Rock), Cameron (Modern Family), Fiona (Burn Notice)

And of course, there are characters I miss and am looking forward to seeing again come the new season this winter: Jack/Kate/Sawyer (Lost), Michael/Sam/Fiona/Michael’s Mother (Burn Notice), Casey/Sarah/Chuck (Chuck) to name a few.

Yeah.  I’m so back.

I have to say, this past season of tv provides me absolutely nothing to complain about.  I have been satisfied weekly by my continual favorites: 30 Rock, Top Chef, Bones, Dexter.  I’ve also added to the mix Community, Parks and Rec, and ABC’s Modern Family which are all freshman nods in my book (technically Parks and Rec debuted last season but it was finding itself and I let it have it’s time to develop).  But nothing–NOTHING–has given me the joy of my one and only Glee.

The cast of Glee in all of its glory.

Oh Fox, you’ve made me a believer.  I was nervous when I first heard about this show.  Marketed as a musical television show and premiering directly after the American Idol finale in the spring, I thought for sure this was a loser, entering the annals of such epic failures as Cop Rock and Viva Laughlin.  If history has proven only one thing it’s that television and musicals are not happy bedfellows.  And then there was Glee.

Set at fictional William McKinley High (in Lima, Ohio, no less), you’d think it’d be the story of all Glee clubs in high school (although we called ‘em show choirs): a bunch of nerds not good enough for sports make asses of themselves on stage in mediocre-to-embarrassing musical numbers choreographed by adults whose greatest moments were understudied the leads in Cats in college.  But that’s where you’re wrong.  Oh, it’s got the nerds…but it manages to address the jock-vs.-music nerd epic battle and “solve” it.  It’s got teen pregnancy, crooked teachers, a failing marriage, a wishy-washy principal, a crazy cheerleading coach, and Emma Pillsbury (possibly one of my favorite characters on the small screen).  And that’s in the first two shows.

Drama aside, what it also offers in an incredibly talented and able cast (Matthew Morrison (Tony nominated) and Lea Michele (Grammy winner) are both major up-and-comers on Broadway) singing some of the greatest mixes of pop and Broadway standards.  And these little ditties fit seamlessly into the story, given the backdrop of the glee club (which solves the problem that happens for a lot of people when “musical” enters the description of anything: random breaking into song.)  There’s no random breaking into song!

Is it the perfect tv show? No.  I’ve got my issues.  The storylines have been hit or miss this season, as have the choices of featured music.  But the cast is so good, the writing so sharp, and Jane Lynch as Sue Sylvester (the Cheerios head coach) so deliciously evil that this equation is primed for greatness to ensue.

Of course, they wrapped their first season this week.  And I’m sorry but any show that leaves me with “Don’t Rain on My Parade” (Funny Girl) and “My Life Would Suck Without You” (Kelly Clarkson) in the same show, both executed beautifully (in their own ways)…well, I’m gonna give you a big ‘ol hug.

This show is just pure fun.  And I want more.  But I’ll have to wait until April 13.  That gives all non-watchers plenty of time to get on the horse and catch up.  You won’t be sorry.

I was talking with Monica a couple weeks ago…complaining, actually…complaining is what I was doing.  Once again, I found myself in the same exact rut that I always find myself in when I’m at personal perigee (I know, I’m trying out a new word), wondering why I’m there again.  Monica has been invaluable in diagnosing these low moments not as random, linear occurrences but as cyclical points…thus, once I get over one, it’s likely to come back around–and it sure always does.

So this time, I went ahead and gave myself a new little challenge (mind you, now, this was weeks ago).  Instead of just grabbing hold and weathering the storm as usual, my challenge to myself was to not get complacent, a stage that always results in such low tides.  In order to do this, I promised myself that every time I caught myself at a proverbial “fork in the road,” I would –as the cliche dictates–take “the road less taken.”  That is, I wouldn’t do what I was most comfortable doing; I would accept the challenge in hopes that it would not result in the usual “comfort-driven disasters” that have been piling up.

I’ll be honest…this logic is not bad.  It’s not easy, but it’s also not wrong.  I’ve found myself in several situations recently when I was at such a fork and chose the challenging route…it returned the gain I was hoping for…it was uncharted territory, that’s for sure.

But here’s the little catch I find interesting: it’s not always the hardest choice I’m making.  It’s the one that’s most uncomfortable.  So, for instance,  I found myself sitting in front of the computer, ready to write an e-mail that I was sure would “fix” the problem.  Well, this is a typical scenario in which I end up tortured.  So, I sat and deliberated for a good 10 minutes.  I even went so far as to write a draft…twice. Each time I went to send I said to myself, “Send it if you think this’ll really change anything.”  Each time, I knew it wouldn’t and I junked the draft.  It wasn’t easy…but it wasn’t the hardest choice either…that actually might have been turning off the computer and blocking the whole thing out.   It was the one that really left me squirmy…because it made me think about what I was really doing.  And I saw it.  And I didn’t do it.  And it didn’t kill me. And in fact, I think it paid off.  I think.

Another example: I was beside myself with anxiety on Tuesday–school-related.  My usual choices are 1) block out the anxiety and pretend it’s not there or 2) wallow in the anxiety.  The last thing I wanted to do was think about the anxiety…so I thought about it…I searched for the cause and realized it wasn’t stress but not knowing…anything.  So much was up in the air.  So Wednesday I woke up with one goal: “Get things settled.”  And I did.  I made phone calls (which I hate), I made office visits (also uncomfortable), I asked for firm, specific feedback on questions I needed answers to…and by god if I didn’t brace myself for the apocalypse every time a question came out of my mouth.  But I got answers.  And now I know.

The key to this game is vigilance, I think.  And to tread boldly directly into my fears, which are the essence of all of my discomfort.  If I sense I’m holding back because of a trust issue, I challenge myself to trust.  If I’m running away from a confrontation, I confront.  If I duck a hug, I hug back (that one’s for Meghan).  I think the only way to get out of a cycle is to turn around on it and look it face-to-face.

What I’m finding is that a little discomfort goes a long way.

Hi world.  This is a weird Wednesday…odd things have been happening and, thus, they take center-stage in a Weird Wednesday list of note:

Weird Wednesday List of Note

1. My office smells like cancer.  Not in that I know how cancer smells, exactly, but that whatever chemical I’m ingesting through my nose right now will surely cause a fatal disease.  My office is a converted chemistry lab…converted in that they’ve put a computer and a chair on an old lab table.  The “hood” is still here; I could fire up the bunsen burners if I wanted to; and the amount of corrosion going on atop any metallic surface is enough to make anyone worry.  So when I say it smells toxic, I’m actually not over-stating this in the least.  I’m leaving in a minute before the chemical headache sets in.

2. I ordered new winter boots and they came on the most blizzard-laden day of December.  This is sheer luck but I’m glad they’re here.  No more messing around with shoe-boots.  I went for it.  Hunter Goddess boots–this means, 100% water-proof, up to my knees, insulated genius.  They were expensive but I will never have to order another pair of winter boots ever again.  I could muck out stables in these things.  Thankfully, my hatred of horses (get off me) will prevent that grossness…but I’m actually just going to wear them home.  Very exciting.

3. I’m feeling some kind of dissertation love today.  I put out my first “snowball” pitch for research “subjects” and have been bombarded by people who are willing (and actually VERY ABLE) to help.  I’m overwhelmed…both with the generosity of the responses and the relief that I may actually be able to actually drive this elephant (random Apollo 13 reference).

4. I just ate the most amazing donut.  Yep.  At 3:49.  And it was delicious.  It was also lunch which means I now have “mad” sugar rush going on.  It’s actually incredible.

5. Choir tonight.  CHRISTMAS MUSIC.  If ever there’s time to be in a church choir, it’s at Christmas.  What a delicious season.

Summary of list: today’s been a good Wednesday.  Amidst everything else, I’m feeling generally good about the plates I’ve got up on stilts, spinning away right now.  The feeling might be fleeting, but I’m just riding it out while I still can.

How’s that for a catchy title?  Sorry to tell you it will mean something a little different in this context.  But it is exactly the type of thing I’m getting ready to have a say about:.

[ahem]

What is it with commercials all containing some kind of sexual undertone these days?  I was watching tv the other day and an Enterprise (rental cars) commercial came on that had a woman holding up two nighties (ugh…I HATE that word which is exactly why I used it here) and says coyly to the man in the room, “The black or the red…or both?”  Clearly the suggestion is that Enterpise can help you out…squiring you to the “weekend special at the Holiday inn” (Tom Hanks line from Sleepless in Seattle).   I just saw some commercial for something innocuous and I want to say child-like that used the “size doesn’t matter” joke (overdone).  What. the hell.

I am absolutely NOT an apologist for the Viagra or Cialis commercials.  Extenze seems like commercial porn–along with Enzyte Bob and his “chubby Santa.”  I hate that all of these run, frankly, ever. I can’t believe that someone actually got paid a lot of money to come up with them.  But, the fact is, at least they’re topical (meaning the commercials and not the drugs).  If you’re gonna sell the product, suggestion has to be involved.

But rental cars?  Air fresheners? Breath mints? Toothpaste? Hair Gel?  Seriously.  It’s insulting to my intelligence. It’s insulting to your intelligence.  Is literally nothing else funny anymore.  Because they for sure have worked every smidgen of clever out of any of these lame attempts at appeal.

I’m calling for heightened clever in my commercials…not sappy, not lame totally re-worked innuendo.  I’m through with innuendo.  I just want really clever.  So that I can reconcile myself with the fact that people gets lots a cash to sell stuff.  I’d just like to know that they possess some kind of mediocre talent.  All I’m asking.

And I’m calling boycott on any product  that uses sex appeal in a totally unjustified manner.  I’m lookin’ at you Snuggie…

There are days when I miss my old blog.  It’s still there…you can go look at it…it’s the first Beach Tent, akin to the tent you get from Good Will when you’re just trying camping out.  Then you love it and upgrade to the spiffy one you get at Target.  But ya still love the old one because there’s memories there.

So, I was reading some of the old goods.  And it’s funny how things resolve themselves.  Also, how once some time has past, I cannot for the life of me remember what was going on.  My modus operandi on that blog was to be as abstract as possible to keep things anonymous; it worked.  Even I don’t remember what the hell I was talking about.  But, I thought it would be fun to go back to some of my favorites and give the “cycled” updates; in actuality, this may not be fun for anybody but me, but I’m going to do it…because this is my blog.  If you don’t like it, get your own.

1. I Have this Friend I love this post.  It’s one of my better writings.  And it got a lot of discussion (although not written comments) of course because everyone wanted to know what kind of magical realism I was playing with.  Happy to report I still have that same friend.  Relationship is different though.  Very different.  But he still makes an indentation.  That’s all the clues I’m gonna give as to who it might be.

2. I Feel Dumb This one also netted a huge number of questions…of course, people wanted to know what I did.  At the time I wasn’t ready to tell but now I’ll tell you it involved 1) a boy 2) a crush and 3) too much to drink and 4) shamelessly throwing myself at all of the above. Ugh.  I still feel dumb when I think about that moment (which, incidentally, I still vividly remember).  Funny though.  I was completely mortified and thought this very nice guy would think I was a crazy loser.  I still see him fairly regularly…I think we might even be friends now.  The possibility that he still thinks I’m a crazy loser: High.  One of our more recent exchanges went like this:

Him: It’s cold in here don’t you think.

Me: Yeah…but funny thing…my nose is cold but my hands are sweating.

Him: Um…that sounds like something you need to work out.

Me: [whimper].

Gave me a hug the other day, though, so I’m pretty sure we’re friends.

3. [Sigh.] I like this one because it was written in the moment [I remember it distinctly] and it’s raw (for me) and very agitated.  It was resignation in blog form.  I still think about these things every day.

4. Google Roogles Never for one second have I  regretted going to Gmail.  Not one.  If you’re not already using it…get thyself to the gmail homepage and get yourself a mailbox.  No kidding.

5. I’ve Been Talking To Myself Out Loud Today Meghan called me a French postmodernist for this one and it was a high compliment.  It was the beginning of February.  I was depressed.  Just the other day I was thinking about how far away this seems now.  And then I saw the forecast for this week…I’ll be back there before we all know it.

I think this is good for now.  I’ve got more and maybe someday I’ll even go further back.  But, here’s what I miss: the archives of all of that writing…sitting somewhere else.  I want it here.

Does anyone know how to archive Vox…because I really want to…

You know, I don’t even care.  So here’s what happened today.  I finished writing my second special field.  For anyone who has no connection to Loyola or sociology…congratulations and I’m jealous.  But that does leave you out in the cold, so I’ll break it down: I’m estimating I’m about 80% of the way to finishing “comps.”  I just finished the hardest 80% of the whole process.  Holy Crap it feels good and here’s why: this is a moment I’ve been waiting 2 years to get to.  Of course, there will be revisions…I haven’t seen the last of these yet.  But I’m so much closer than I ever thought I’d get that, in and of itself, today is an accomplishment.

Here’s what I’m learning from it…freedom is on the horizon and it feels good.  Looks good too.  So good, in fact, that I don’t have any more beer in my house and I’m still happy.  Truth is, I can lay down on my couch, fall asleep watching a movie, and know I don’t have to wake up and write anything tomorrow.  Friday’s another story, but not tomorrow.  And I can wash the dishes and bathroom.  I can even go to the gym and know that afterwards, I don’t have to write a paper.  At least not tomorrow.

Honestly, I’ve known intimately for the past two years the full meaning of “the weight of the world is on my shoulders.”  Last week I broke out in enormous, itchy hives and I haven’t been able to fall asleep for the past three weeks without medication.  I’m liable to cry at the drop of a hat, even if it’s not mine.  I’ve been emotionally frayed for months.

And I think that’s over.  At least for tomorrow.

Thank God.  and WOO-HOO!

It’s coming around to that time of year again: gift-giving season.  And I’ve got a real conundrum this year, not just in gift-giving but also gift-receiving.  If your “people” are anything like mine, a requisite Thanksgiving Day discussion involves rattling off a list of things I want to family members who want to buy me things for Christmas.  Here’s the problem: my life conditions make it such that my list of “needs” far outweighs my list of “wants” to the point that talking about “wants” is almost moot.

I’m actually okay with that reality.  The conundrum is that people don’t want to hear it.  So this year, when my mom asked (because she’s the Grand High Mediator of Pacyna-family Gift Giving, acting like an info clearinghouse for me and my brothers) what I wanted and I told her “money so I can pay my bills,” she had a rough time accepting it.  “Really?” she asked quizzically and, frankly, piteously.  “You don’t want anything that we could, like, wrap and put under the tree?”  Of course, the answer to that is yes.  But it begs other important related question-based binaries like, “Do I want a DVD or to pay for my car?”  “Do I want a snazzy new scarf or to pay my cable bill?” “Do I want a new book or to eat breakfast two weeks from Tuesday?”

The issue here has nothing to do with want or need but actually the confounding of them.  I’m at a point that my wants are trivial because my needs are primary–and they’re big ones.  I’m one good pair of jeans away from financial ruination; I don’t expect it will always be that way, but that’s the state of things today.

So, here’s the question: Is it possible not to conflate the two? How do I generously receive “little thingies” which are meant for good when they do nothing to solve the issue of my totally cracked peace of mind?  I don’t want to be ungrateful and I’m not.  But my practicality on this, I think, might be alarming to my family.

Ah, the holidays.