Settling Into
Every so often I realize that my life is built in cycles. As time moves forward I can see the rise and fall of patterns: similar, comfortable, repetitive, cyclical. Like the seasons, I can predict with a sharpness that whatever seems good now will wither in particular ways. I call them cycles.
They’re actually habits.
One that’s commanded my recent attention is that of “settling.” This is the time of year that I get all uppity to move somewhere. Until right now I thought that was a function of living in places that were less than good; the search was always on to find better. Last year when I moved to an apartment deemed by myself and others as “the awesomest apartment I’ll ever find for that price” I thought my itch to move would dissipate. Nope. I’m ready to move come June 1. And yet, I know I’m not.
I have a problem with settling. I’ve just never done it. Why settle for a B when an A is always possible? Why settle for mediocre when excellent stands enticingly around the corner? Why stay in a place that makes me somewhat happy when a place that makes me joyously happy could be beckoning to me from afar? Why ever settle when not settling is an option?
I think I’m starting to understand why settling might be a good option. In part, I’ve been approaching this whole thing with a complete hard-headedness. I’ve always viewed settling as an implicit quitting–giving up the fight for “better.” This is a crazy competitive tendency perhaps born of my love of sports or anything that can declare a “winner” at the end. [Sigh.] Even to me this sounds misguided.
More pressingly, though, settling down scares me. I immediately think “stagnant, boring, prescribed, without options, boxed in.” I suppose I’ve observed those enough to equate one with the other. But, the more I really think about it, I do think I’m interested maybe not in settling down but settling into. Just changing that one word makes me think “becoming familiar, making a choice, trying it on and adjusting along the way, working it into something workable.”
Settling down for me will always seem like a destination. Settling into, on the other hand, might just be the process I need to think about not constantly hitting the road whenever something feels uncomfortable. If I can work with it for awhile, get to know it, consider it as the means and not the end…I might just be able to stay in this apartment for another year.
Maybe.