Reaching
I’m going to warn you now this post may not be funny. I won’t run away from it should it happen organically, but this is a “thinkin’ reflectin” kinda post. And why? Because I’ve been thinking big picture lately and it’s easier to see some revealed truths when one considers the breadth of one’s life.
“It’s been a rough couple months.” I realized I’ve been saying that, now, for years. ”I just gotta get through this next interminably long period of waiting and things will be okay.” Then, like clockwork, another interminably long period of waiting starts on another new worry. It’s seemed neverending…and is when approached in that fashion.
What I realized the other day, though, as I was sitting and lamenting to myself is that I’ve been coming at all of this from only one direction. If I run around the other side of my worry, what appears is a huge opportunity: I have the time everyone wants to figure my shit out. Yes, I have work to do. Everyone has work to do. But I do have the chance to really reach in and find myself in there– a lot of people don’t. And I should really stop waiting and start reaching.
I think everybody has one major personal mountain to climb in their lives. This isn’t hardships–I think we all have a lot of those. But hardships are circumstantial; we struggle, usually, because we have to meet reality everyday and sometimes, when our expectations and our world doesn’t match up evenly, we run into trouble. The personal mountain, though, is that one foundational “issue” that sets the tenor for all struggles. It’s those little dark parts of ourselves we don’t want to think about that drive the way we respond to tough circumstances. Mine personal mountain is definitely born directly from fear of reaching. I’m growing convinced that this is why I’m so worried about getting swallowed up, lonely and alone, by the sands of time. I’m not a reacher. I’m a nester.
So, in all of my “time” that I have to think about things, I’ve realized that I’m not going to un-stick myself from this place unless I actually start reaching…somewhere. Instead of being solely reactionary, I’ve got to reach beyond that and be a little proactive. Instead of clinging to the idea of routine, I have to reach beyond that. Being the Disney princess that I am, I think I’ve grown accustomed to the idea of fate–things happening. And I’m actually coming around to see that fate is what happens when you realize that just letting things happen will lead you in random directions.
Life is reaching. I’m not sure I’ve really found that yet but I’m willing to give it a try.