My Tent on The Beach

What a weird time to live in.  I’ve been thinking a lot lately about tough choices…making those decisions that change the course of life forever.  Maybe because I’ve been watching people make the choices that will change their lives forever. And though sure to be good in the end, we all do a lot of work everyday…work that maybe has never been done before.

Things are hard, yes, and for many reasons…but the work I’m talking about I think is unique to today.  Once expansion was the name of the game…go west, young man…manifest destiny…Antarctica.  Today we suffer the perils of the distance created by expansion.  Nearly everyone I talk to is afraid in some way of distance–letting go, being alone, going somewhere new.  It’s idyllic in a sense…but not in the real one.  Our worldview is huge…and as much as we talk about the greatness of modern expansion, we suffer the effects of it.  We yearn in a much different way today…because we can never really let go…or forget…or be forgotten.  We’re all just floating around in the ether of memories.

I guess I’ve always been aware of my own worries about this and I’ve done everything in my power to do the work I need to to be okay where I am.  But today I watched a friend fear the very fear I have…and it’s heart-breaking to see that worry in someone else.  And I can feel the panic…and it’s very real. I think it’s real to a lot of people.

To whom much has been given, much is expected.  That’s always true and I guess a deal you make with the devil of privilege, whatever kind plagues you.  But the expectation is what may haunt you.  The higher the expectation, the higher the risk of failure.  It sounds so…privileged…and yet is quite the opposite.

I’ve always been a very private person. I know, it’s weird because it seems I’m so extraverted.  And I absolutely am.  I am as outgoing as you’d think.  But I also have sides no one sees…in the past couple months I’ve worked hard to make it sides that only a few people see.  Turns out transparency is important no matter where you are.

I’m particularly uncomfortable with the idea of “being known.”  I don’t love it when people think they know me…in fact, I thrive on the energy of knowing that I know for sure I am a mystery to people.  But I find myself at an interesting crossroads.  A couple months ago (just a couple months ago) I realized that, unless I really am committed to being alone forever, I’d better let some people in.  So, I’ve worked really hard not to stop that process…and now people know me.  Not everything.  But a lot.  A friend said just the other day, “I know you, Katie.  I know how you are.”  It still scared me.  But over the past couple days I’ve worked to be comfortable with it.  More than I’d like to admit.

And it’s kinda cool.

I always have a feeling that I wish I wrote more here.  Oh well, there are times to be busy and then there are times to reflect…I guess I’m just having more of the former at the moment.  But since I do have this minute and I haven’t written a list in ages, I thought I might take the chance to write down the stuff I’m actually aware of that really scares me…that I am actually afraid to think about.  I’m not going to examine why I am in such avoidance or what that says about me as a person (although I’m sure all 3 of you armchair psychologists…and Nori…hi Nori…will have fun having a go).  Here they are in no particular order (or to you armchair psychologists, in a subconcious primary order):

1. Learning French. I think it’s because I cannot imagine ever making the sound required to do that correctly.

2. Skydiving or anything that involves defying gravity.  No and no.

3. Telling people that they really bug the hell out of me.  Not collectively…just certain individuals.

4. Losing out or being left out of things. Just things.

5. Being forgotten.

6. Going blind.

7. Losing my voice…both literally and metaphorically.

8. Having kids…like giving birth to a child of my own.

9. Being humiliated.  I only know this one after the fact and I’ll tell ya…the moment I realize I feel humiliated my palms actually sweat. I feel like I’ll never recover from it.  And then I do and everything’s fine.

10. People who are intimidatingly free. Like they live only on whims.  I need a plan…always.

11. Other drivers.

12. The feeling that I’m missing opportunities right in front of me because I’m thinking too big.

13. That I’ll never be able to really relax.

That’s all I can think of right now and I’m falling asleep so that’ll have to do.  But 13 is enough, isn’t it?  Much more and I’d raise a lot of red flags…although this really does feel like the tip of the iceberg.

Confession: I pay attention to my horoscope.

I know, I know.  It sounds awful.  In the best possible light it can be it sounds new agey and crunchy-granola-esque.  On the worst side, it just sounds like I’m giving weight to pure hokum.  I have no answers for you; there’s just something about it I’ve found fascinating for years.  I probably don’t consider it totally out of whack just because a whole portion of the ancients (the ones we like to forget existed like the Egyptians and Incans…the tribal folks) had it work for them.  It only doesn’t make sense in the post-Enlightenment world which embraces scientific rationality.  And listen, it’s based on the stars and their natural cycles through their orbits…so it’s the same brand of hokum as biorhythms and some of the more Eastern practices of medicine and wellness.  It’s a spirituality which Christians can be awfully judgy about.

Anyway, this is not intended as apologetics for astrology.  I don’t base my life or decisions on it–the same as I don’t pray for financial stability or seek answers to very practical questions in church.  BUT, I do find comfort in it sometimes and today’s really works for me.

Earlier I wrote about the Inevitable.  I still stand by everything I said.  But it’s funny how time further and further away from a moment of intensity or renegotiating or the inevitable becomes more tenuous.  In the moment, I had a grip on what was going on.  It’s been a couple days now since that intense moment and the grip is gone and I’m alternating between frustrated and angry, between hopeful and despondent.  I’ve found some comfort in distraction but distraction is a tool of the Hunker Mentality.  “Just don’t think about it,” you tell yourself…and nothing gets solved…you just wait for the feeling to pass without really feeling it. Experiencing the inevitable introduces other inevitables…ones you hadn’t thought about…and all of those are changes.

So, in yoga this morning I was asking the Great Expanse for some answers…guidance actually.  And what came back to me was: Don’t Question it.  Stop asking questions.  Stop trying to find answers.  Just be with it.  Truly, I was overjoyed hearing thing.  It made sense and felt good–a rare combination–because I think it taps into a Truth we can lose track of: thinking there are answers is a ruse.  There aren’t answers about the future; all we have is now, which, if we’re experiencing it, is being answered now. No need for questions.  I felt a wave of relief, hanging out there in Warrior I, a wave of power and resilience.  “I can not question it,” I breathed to myself. “Yes, I can…Si se puedo.”  And then I walked off the mat, out of that studio, and lost the moment.  Lost the magic.  Questions, questions, questions for miles around.

So, here’s the kicker about my horoscope today.  I came to school to get some work done and enjoy some AC (as it’s back up near 90 again today here in tropical Chicago) and as I sat down at the computer I just thought to myself, “I need a little inspiration.  I’m not sure where to find it.”  Of course, as part of my “I’m going to think about writing” ritual, I checked Facebook for all the good dirt and my daily horoscope was there. Lo, it said:

The stormy arguments and narrow attitudes that have been coloring your home or working world come to an end soon; and all because you finally put some healthy boundaries in place.It’s a day when logic and pragmatic decisions need to take priority. After the day’s work is complete, a little self-indulgence is in order. A confidence that no matter what happens today, it will all work out for the best. Having some faith in yourself and others is exactly what will make that come true. Any long term plans with your partner that will benefit you both in the near future is best worked out together today, rather than as a surprise.

Surprisingly, it’s what I needed.  Because this whole week has been about making boundaries (even the syllabus I’m writing for my culture class is filled with discussions of creating boundaries and why that’s important).  And the second part was my realization from yoga today; while I don’t have “a partner” necessarily, my life is shared in a lot of directions.  It was a relief to read it; whether or not it’s “true” or “predictive” (which I don’t think it is), I felt vindicated in my insight this morning, which is really all I needed.  A little validation from the Great Expanse itself.

Thanks Great Expanse.  And by the way, when did you get on Facebook?

I just installed a showerhead.  I’ve been waiting anxiously for it to come in the mail, having picked it out months ago and waited until it was on sale enough that I could “afford” this “luxury.”  I’m most excited about the fact that my skin won’t smell like chlorine after a shower anymore.  And that was my Friday night.

It’s that part of the summer, that part of the year, that part of the week, I guess, when people are doing their “summer” things–traveling, barbecuing in the backyard, spending quality time that they don’t often get–that usually leaves me installing a showerhead and calling it an evening.  I suppose it’s the price I pay for being non-busy, non-married, non-with-children, maybe non-inspired and hoping for something outside of myself to create a little interest or buzz or energy.  I’m not sure why I still think this will work; looking outside of myself for anything has only ever ended in disaster.  And so I lay here on my couch, trying to pump myself up to watch a movie and wondering how I get myself some of those things that make installing a showerhead a weekday chore to be reminsced about over a gin and tonic on the back porch with someone who’s interesting and interested.  It doesn’t seem like that much to ask but yet remains deceptively elusive. Maybe someday there’ll be a trace of this scene.

But not today.

I want to make it okay that this is what this evening holds…but it’s not just about this evening.  I often wonder if anyone ever remember how it feels to hear some iteration of “I’m too busy for you,” when they’re saying it to someone else.  I’ve just never understood this idea.  “But Katie,” they’ll say, “you just don’t understand because you have so much time and you don’t have responsibilities to worry about.”

“Well,” I think, “that’s just the shittiest thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life.” It appears I have a lot of time because I make time for people who need to talk, people who want to get together, people who need a hand with something, people who need a place to stay.  I bend and compromise; I practice understanding and compassion; I wipe my feet before entering; I bring a bottle of wine; I’m good for a laugh.  But it just never seems enough.  Because when push comes to shove, I just don’t understand enough what it means to have responsibilities–or relationships–to care for.  It’s only the thing I do every day…silently and with no symbols or markers to signify my work or care.  No. My work is silent and invisible and I should be happy for the time I do get…

…because after all…people are busy…and I have so much time.

I’m sick about it.

Today is one of those days.  You know the kind…my brain is just churning out a lot of thoughts that are good but really disjointed.  So, for instance, as I was waiting for my post-yoga raisin toast to prepare itself via the magic toaster this was my train of thought:

I wonder why yesterday the toaster burned the toast and today, without touching the toaster or doing anything differently, the toast is perfect? Where did I leave my flip-flops? I wonder if an all-girls high school education actually made me more masculine than many men I know? I should take a shower. Almost done with IRB. That breeze is cool. I wonder how other people experience pain?

Literally…that was in two minutes.  I walked home from yoga this morning; it took about 25 minutes and I had a lifetime’s worth of conversation with myself.  Going in 25 directions.  Whenever this happens I feel the distinct need to write everything down as quickly as possible.  There could be good nuggets of something in there which only time will reveal.  But despite this mental chattering, there was one thought I kept coming back to, I think because it didn’t originate in my brain.

In the 2 or 3 moments in between crazy shooting thoughts, I actually felt compassion.  I’ve been reading this book by Pema Chodron called The Places that Scare You and I assumed it would be a lot about fear.  It’s actually more about the opposite of fear, which as it turns out, is compassion.  Who knew?  Maybe this is where I’ve gone wrong all these years. Here’s a picture just in case you want to read (and you really should…what else are you really doing?)

Anyway I usually don’t feel ideas; I think about them, dissect them, think more about them, start to worry about them, get anxious about them, then am exhausted and can’t sleep.  That’s usual.  But, I’ve really been working on “heart opening”–I interpret it more as willing myself to feel things rather than approach them intellectually.  It’s given more dimension to my ideas; we all think a lot about love or anger or hurt.  We ultimately want to manage them, so we approach them as events and then get a plan to deal with them.  But I’m learning that if we feel them, they actually have textures…things we can grip onto a little bit and push our edges.  In other words, I think I’m learning that if we feel things, we can grow in ways that thinking about them cannot approach.

But, back to compassion.  So, I think “heart opening” is working a bit.  I was practicing feeling compassion which isn’t empathy or sympathy.  In those, we place ourselves in the shoes of others (sympathy) or recalling when we’ve actually shared the experience of another (empathy) and felt with them.  Compassion, I think, is the following step.  In compassion we stay in our own shoes, recognize the place of another (be it filled with suffering or joy), and then love them as only we can.  It’s not sharing the experience; it’s just opening our arms and loving, regardless of what happens to us or what we’ll get out of it.  I think compassion is the act of giving away love unconditionally.  We always approach that idea from the receiver’s end…I haven’t really even imagined what it feels like to give it.  I think it’s a good thing.

So this is what I’m feeling about today.  Even writing this down has slowed the chatter.  And it makes me think that in order to give this…dude, you gotta tap into a kind of strength that you just have to trust you have…because I think it’s tough.  You may hurt in the process.  But its completely worth it, I think. I mean, I feel.

Ha-HAH. Caught myself there.

Where to begin?  My little brother got married on Saturday.  Married.  The same kid we sent down the ice track we built in the ravine (which apparently only exist in Cleveland) to make sure no one else would get hurt and who said things like “Gabuter” (computer) when he was 3 is wearing a wedding band.  I’d say “surreal” except that I’ve got a Hungarian sleeping on my couch waiting for Fedex to come everyday to deliver his passport so he can drive back to Yellowknife Canada.  I’ve also got yoga class 4 days a week, I own a car and have absolutely no money to pay for it and I’m on a PhD track.  Oh, and my other brother’s going to have a baby in February.  What the heck is going on here.

Life can be full of interesting moments.  For the past 3 months I’ve been sweating blood, so consumed in my own struggles.  As it turns out, life continued on around me.  For some (my brothers), I re-surfaced just in time.  Weddings and babies, though moments that might not be part of my own journey, are  not moments to miss.  Andras appearing out of nowhere just when I was wondering when and if I’d ever see him again is a fortuitous happenstance…but not one that’s not been enjoyable.  The universe, I think, must’ve interceded…I feel like a different person for having witnessed all of it.

Tomorrow will bring a new day with different, better insights.  But what I know is this: for the past 3 weeks I have better thoughts about my life, my career, and myself than I have for a long time…and it’s because I was busy thinking about other people.

Giving always means receiving if only in the craziest of ways.  I’m glad I was awake enough to catch all of it.  Here’s to more of that!

I just noticed today that I haven’t written in awhile because life in Chicago (which is sweltering in a 90-degree heat blanket that won’t go away) has become both listless and busy.  It’s a paradox.  But as I walk down the street, I’ve been noticing weird things happening; also as I check Facebook and e-mail (occasionally, of course…okay 90x an hour) I find just weirdnesses.  Maybe it’s the heat…which would explain why New Orleans (okay, all of the Deep South) seems fully of crazies.  Here’s a list of the latest and least explicable:

1. A car burst into flames in front of my building on Monday night, filling my apartment with smoke and making me believe I was going to have to jump out my window (of course, I have back stairs but you know how panic can affect even the most rational mind.)

Here’s the aftermath.  The charred remains were particularly disturbing in person and, though it’s been towed, no one will park in that spot…it remains open…perhaps as a memory of the innocent and fallen.

2. On Facebook today I had no less than 20 “pages you might like” suggestions based on what my friends have recently “liked.”  Included and making sense were Starbucks and Free Things to Do in Chicago.  Included and making no sense were KFC, Sex and the City: The 2nd AWFUL movie, kittens, and the Twilight series (which incidentally had over 8 MILLION fans)…needless to say, none of them got my “like” of approval.

3. Several Fridays ago as Andras (my current couch-crashing, Marx-loving, Hungarian friend) and I were out and about running errands we personally saw three people hit the deck.  We also saw blood shed on those incidents.  One involved a motorized scooter and a woman carrying a VCR in a box.  On that same day we actually witnessed a guy get hit by a car, turn around and walk back to the corner, at which point he and the driver “worked it out.”  Seriously.  I’m still scarred by this particularly series of events.

4. Last night I (and Andras) ate dinner with virtual strangers (one of them was a former student of his that he “kinda” knew).  It was 4 hours long.  And I ended up going to their apartment which…it right across the street from mine…and met their dog Peanut and cat Tomato and saw their balcony garden and the guy’s (David’s) humongous oil paintings.  I felt like I was in a Willy Wonka movie.  The Johnny Depp one.

5. My brother Andy told me he bought a book for me. It’s by Glenn Beck.  It’s the one lying on his bathroom floor.  Exactly where EVERY piece of shit Glenn Beck produces should be located.  I left it there as a symbol of its appropriateness.

6. This morning I did yoga on the beach at 6:30am.  When we started the lake was placid and clear.  After a pose sequence we did with our eyes closed, it was so hot already that steam was rising off the surface of the lack.  I think I witnessed the birth of humidity.  I was appalled.

7.  Last week I bought 2 new pairs of flip-flops, one pair with a little bit of a wedge heel and one pair flat.  For the next two days I referred to the pair with the heels as “my dress shoes.”  No one questioned it. Riiiiiight.

8. I’ve been craving Thai and sushi for 3 weeks.  Thai, unfortunately, I always crave on Mondays and as any connoisseur of Thai food knows…they’re always closed on Mondays .  Yesterday we planned to go for sushi and in my head I was like, “Sweet…thank god it’s not Monday.”  When we got there it was closed.  For the summer, they decided to close on Tuesdays instead.  Argh.

I usually like to end on an odd number but I seem destined to be foiled by this weirdo universe these days.  Thus, despite wracking my brain, I can only think of 8 really good things right now.  But consider it just a taste of what’s been going on around here…which is heat-induced nuttiness.

Oooh…I thought of one more:

9.  Yesterday we were watching the World Cup game between Uruguay and the Netherlands (which, by the way, have you ever considered the actual name of that country?  The Netherlands….like the Hinterlands only a smidge closer? Further south?).  The Dutch (who hail, inexplicably from the Netherlands…why not call them the Nethers?) won.  Andras was convinced and argued seriously that it was because of the effects of colonialism.  To reiterate…he wasn’t joking.  I was actually speechless.

Give me a great #10 from your life and you’ll make my whole day…if only to prove that it’s not just my own little microcosm that’s gone all helter-skelter.

Did you know that the hips are one of the areas that can hold the most tension in the body?  Because I sure didn’t…and I can’t say I was surprised to hear this.  My hips are tighter than [insert image of something very tight...if you think of something good, write it in the comments].  My whole body is muscularly tight…I always attributed it to the 15 years of piecemeal weight lifting I used to do for various sports in high school.  You know…you do the stuff that’s the easiest (like calves, quads, hamstrings) and skip the other stuff (upper body).  What I’ve ended up with is a full set of seriously tight joints.  I never really thought tension itself was to blame.

Given this hip “issue,” I’ll tell you my life can really suck sometimes.  Sitting hunched at a computer for long stretches doesn’t help.  So, this is all a long way of saying, tight hips in yoga means pain (and not just stupid pain but gut-wrenching, fiery, scorching, lightning bolts of pain up the front, back, and sides of my legs)…in nearly every pose possible.  I can’t touch my toes, sit on my knees, or hang out in down-dog without trembling…why…you got it…hips.

So I’ve been really focusing on these things.  And you wanna know what I’ve come to conclude is working…thinking about them.  It’s Harold Hill’s “think method” from the music man.  I swear it’s working.  I’ve been thinking about my hips loosening up…and I think they are.  And here’s why I think it works.  Whenever I approached them as so tight, I think I would brace myself for the ensuing pain.  And it was real…because the bracing was a tension.  Today (and it helps that it’s about 90 degrees here), I felt like they were more open before I even bent anywhere and guess what…palms almost to ground.  Magical.

But so what?  Who cares about my hips?  Even I don’t care about my hips.  But I did think it’s an interesting lesson if applied elsewhere in life.  Imagine what would happen if every time we approached something we dread, instead of bracing for it and expecting scorching pain, we just thought about things as “looser”?  We might have a chance at being much happier and generally cooler than we have ever been in our entire lives.

I like the “think method.”  I think it could work.

Well, well.  In completely typical fashion, Chicago’s gone and gotten all hot and humid, once again banishing any hopes for a nice sliiiiiiiide into summer.  I’m not sure why I still hope for that; I’ve lived around the Great Lakes my entire life and somehow I’ve never really experienced the change of seasons as something gradual.  Whether spring or fall, it usually begins and ends with a seasonal line drawn in the sand.  Yesterday could’ve been 65 and rainy; today you wake up and it’s 90 and renders all clothing hot, wooly, wet blankets.  So today, I’m caught in the “it’s so hot it I’m nauseous” feeling of late August and a little worried that it’s only June 23.

Thus, I’m going to blame a couple of my own lazinesses directly on the swoon.  This is why life in the deep South in general feels so leisurely–the heat actually causes (maybe forces) life to slow down.  Also, it drives you to drink and it’s well established that alcohol slows everything down too.  So why haven’t I written here in awhile?  Clearly…it’s the swoon.

But I’ll also say this (whether or not the swoon is to blame here I don’t know): This time of the year becomes intensely boring for me.  Summer scheules annoy the hell out of me; they’re too flabby.  To be clear, my schedule is always flabby, so I rely on the schedules of others to be my “schedule corset” if you will.  Now, we’re all a little flabby around the schedule and it’s bordering on what I may describe as just “stupid.”  No purpose, no momentum, no desire for either purpose or momentum.  Ew.  I’ve had very little to think about, write about, or describe in what seems like weeks.  I saw a lot of people last week, had a lot of conversations, was out and about.  Did any of them really make a mark on anything? No.  It was oddly non-descript “business as usual.”  I felt like I missed a lot of opportunities last week and yet I never stopped moving.  Maybe ultimately I was uncomfortable with all of that and decided not to reflect on it…I don’t know.

This also might be the calm after the storm.  The past couple months have been intensely taxing; I can’t believe I’m gonna say it but I’ve never been that stressed out in my whole life (and I’m always stressed out).  No, no.  This was stress at all new levels.  Now a lot of that has dissipated whether for good or for bad.  I’m wondering if I just don’t know how to deal with non-stress.  That would be sad…and also a real paradox.  Maybe I’ve overdosed on yoga.

All I’m saying is this: a little snap in the air, a cool fresh breeze…and I think life happens a little more freely.  Slogging through this wet blanket…makes me just want to give up on the day and watch tv.  Which is narcotizing, yes…but leaves very little to actually think about.

[Sigh.]

[Sweat.]

[Sigh again.]