Complacent-Me
I was talking with Monica a couple weeks ago…complaining, actually…complaining is what I was doing. Once again, I found myself in the same exact rut that I always find myself in when I’m at personal perigee (I know, I’m trying out a new word), wondering why I’m there again. Monica has been invaluable in diagnosing these low moments not as random, linear occurrences but as cyclical points…thus, once I get over one, it’s likely to come back around–and it sure always does.
So this time, I went ahead and gave myself a new little challenge (mind you, now, this was weeks ago). Instead of just grabbing hold and weathering the storm as usual, my challenge to myself was to not get complacent, a stage that always results in such low tides. In order to do this, I promised myself that every time I caught myself at a proverbial “fork in the road,” I would –as the cliche dictates–take “the road less taken.” That is, I wouldn’t do what I was most comfortable doing; I would accept the challenge in hopes that it would not result in the usual “comfort-driven disasters” that have been piling up.
I’ll be honest…this logic is not bad. It’s not easy, but it’s also not wrong. I’ve found myself in several situations recently when I was at such a fork and chose the challenging route…it returned the gain I was hoping for…it was uncharted territory, that’s for sure.
But here’s the little catch I find interesting: it’s not always the hardest choice I’m making. It’s the one that’s most uncomfortable. So, for instance, I found myself sitting in front of the computer, ready to write an e-mail that I was sure would “fix” the problem. Well, this is a typical scenario in which I end up tortured. So, I sat and deliberated for a good 10 minutes. I even went so far as to write a draft…twice. Each time I went to send I said to myself, “Send it if you think this’ll really change anything.” Each time, I knew it wouldn’t and I junked the draft. It wasn’t easy…but it wasn’t the hardest choice either…that actually might have been turning off the computer and blocking the whole thing out. It was the one that really left me squirmy…because it made me think about what I was really doing. And I saw it. And I didn’t do it. And it didn’t kill me. And in fact, I think it paid off. I think.
Another example: I was beside myself with anxiety on Tuesday–school-related. My usual choices are 1) block out the anxiety and pretend it’s not there or 2) wallow in the anxiety. The last thing I wanted to do was think about the anxiety…so I thought about it…I searched for the cause and realized it wasn’t stress but not knowing…anything. So much was up in the air. So Wednesday I woke up with one goal: “Get things settled.” And I did. I made phone calls (which I hate), I made office visits (also uncomfortable), I asked for firm, specific feedback on questions I needed answers to…and by god if I didn’t brace myself for the apocalypse every time a question came out of my mouth. But I got answers. And now I know.
The key to this game is vigilance, I think. And to tread boldly directly into my fears, which are the essence of all of my discomfort. If I sense I’m holding back because of a trust issue, I challenge myself to trust. If I’m running away from a confrontation, I confront. If I duck a hug, I hug back (that one’s for Meghan). I think the only way to get out of a cycle is to turn around on it and look it face-to-face.
What I’m finding is that a little discomfort goes a long way.