I’m having a PhD-cum-life moment courtesy of an exchange I had today with a friend of mine who is honest but exasperated…possibly honestly exasperated.  I can’t say I wouldn’t be either.

The specifics of the event are not important but the lesson here is something for me to think about.  Or actually, precisely not think about.  One of the serious problems I have in balancing life and PhD is the inability to shut my brain off.  It’s become an occupational hazard.  I cannot speak for all of academia; these results may not be generalizable.  But as I examine all of the reasons I was so hesitant to keep moving on this after classes were over, this theme of “overactive brain activity” recurs frequently.  I live in a state of hyper-thinking and it’s hard to manage.

I’m already insanely observant in a subconscious way.  I know this because I know whole songs that I’ve never heard before.  As they filter into the world as white noise, I hear and know them even when I’m not trying.  Same thing with tv…my knowledge of television would indicate that I watch it 24-7.  In fact, I do not.  But I can be doing 4 other things and still know every detail of a show, including the credits.  I think it’s this quality that makes me intuitive about people; I don’t have to study them to know exactly what they’re about and what they need.  In a lot of ways, I’ve always considered this a gift.

However, I’ve begun to see in the long term that this quality ramps up to dangerous levels when I do academic thinking.  I can think in the abstract all day long and feel wonderfully comfortable.  My brain chugs happily along just thinking conceptually.  But then reality hits.  It’s a different beast but my brain doesn’t make the accommodations necessary and I end up looking at real life situations in an analytical perspective that’s so narrow, I risk wrecking what’s real.

Need a “learning lab of life” moment? Sure.  Think about the last conversation you had with another person (sorry, dogs and plants do not count here).  Now, take just the last sentence of that conversation.  Next, imagine all of the possible ways that sentence could be interpreted, running the gamut from the best message ever to apocalyptic.  Now, run a quick analysis of the most likely meaning.  If you want to add in body language and facial expressions, do that here.  Do those observational clues match your earlier language analysis?  What inconsistencies stand out?  How do you feel about what you think the likely meaning of the last sentence was?

This is how I could very systematically watch all of my friendships explode.  Aforementioned friend gave me a pearl of wisdom that I’ve always told myself but that earns a new gravitas when received from someone else.

“Just stop analyzing it.”

Yes.  Yes.  I want to do that.  But I don’t know how when my whole focus (which I’ve fought months to regain) at this moment is analysis.  This is why, in the hallowed halls of academia you see frazzled, rumpled, wrinkled, obviously brilliant people who suffer from severe social arrested development.  They’ve chosen their path and I commend them.  They’ve chosen analysis.  On the other hand, there are the apparently blissful people thrilled to not analyze a single blessed thing, who hop through life just taking it as it comes. I commend them, too.  They’ve chosen a simpler but not unfulfilling path.

Ultimately, I have to figure this out or I risk becoming “that friend” that’s held at arm’s length because of apparent uncontrollable neurosis which is time consuming and, frankly, annoying on both sides.  And while I have a lot of answers to a lot of things, I am at a loss here.

How do I keep my analytical edge without turning it toward personal relationships? Any suggestions are welcome.  I won’t even analyze ‘em…I’ll just jump in and blindly try at this point.

Thus, I have.  But not without reward.  Tonight as I sat down, notes in front of me, trying to drum up a train of thought about how idiocultures are developed within existing social structures and the effects of said structures (I KNOW…this is my life, people.  Not pretty), I promised myself that after a couple hours (literally 2), I would allow myself the luxury of a treat: fix my blog.  Because, really, the fact that the pictures were not mine was seriously bothersome, especially because I kept getting a lot of compliments on them and, well, that was making me jealous.

There begins my sojourn into the fun world of CSS.  Two hours later, I emerge triumphant and I feel like a million bucks. Veni, Vidi, Vici. (That’s Latin for “Take THAT you sucka pictures.” Just to recap in case you haven’t been following: I managed to get two pictures up in two hours.  And I couldn’t be happier.  In fact, I’ll sleep better tonight knowing that the Sunset at the Arno adorns my homepage.

In the midst of this compulsive panic, though, I did pause to reflect.  This may sound ridiculous but: I think we don’t celebrate enough.  Like, really expend energy to pat ourselves (or others) on the back for jobs well done.  We get judgey (PhD word, guys, keep up) about what constitutes a “success” and we’ve driven that standard so high that we really spend a huge amount of time chasing things but rarely taking stock in what makes us happy and what we’ve accomplished in getting there.

Am I a big fat nerd because I’m totally thrilled that I “won” the battle? Yes.  Unequivocally, yes.  But I’m willing to accept that for this feeling of a little weight off my shoulders and a sense that I mulled through something a figured it out.  And yay for me.

Enjoy the sunset.  I know I will.

P.S.–In case you were wondering…those OUT OF CONTROL enormo TAGS are next on the list.  That’s just ridiculous…

UPDATE: Tags fixed…for now.

But what’s funny about this process is that I think it pretty much is a metaphor for the way I go about my daily life. What easily could have been a 10 minute process, I turned into a six-hour journey into how web site management works.  While I now know what FTP means (and I’m angry about it) and I know how to set up a database in c-panel (this just makes me furious), last night the light went on too late and I realized that because I am who I am, I turned a simple, easy process into the behemoth of all productions.

But it did render me this in the end, which I’m thrilled about.  I’m really not changing my schtick or my handle.  But I am going to consolidate.  Instead of trying to find blogs to fit all of my categorizing needs, I’m just gonna write about all of it here, and put my pictures up, and generally take pride in the fact that I’m now the proud owner of a “domain” (which makes me sound lord-like, actually).

You’re free and welcomed to be my serf whenever you like.  Give me a couple weeks to really get things settled…and then we’re off to the races again.