Little Failures, Big Saves
So I’ll admit that even I’ve been fascinated by my bold statement yesterday–”this year will change my life.” I try to avoid epic proclamations because, usually, they mean you have to do something. You’re now on the hook. Something had better become a life changer.
So I set out this morning with that in mind and managed to fully recapture the feeling of old. I completely went about my activities today in total shitshow fashion. I’ve cantored probably 1000 masses by now…I actually forgot a piece of music only to realize it after the service started…not good. And in the moment in which I was trying to understand how this was any different than the usual, I actually saw the difference and I came to understand more about the challenge of this year. It’s about fear.
I did something today I’ve never done. I panicked about it. But the lesson I walk away with is that I lived through it. And it was something I couldn’t solve and someone else could. That started me thinking that my challenge and my fear is to see what happens when I let go…when I stop trying so hard–which I know I can do but in the end will kill me. The challenge is to see what can and will happen when I don’t have control of the reins, either because I’m stupid (for which I can love myself) or I have no ability to see how things will end. What happens if I don’t try so hard? Or if I don’t proceed with the intention of pleasing anyone but myself? What happens when I stop gripping on so tight? Or when I lose my grip against my will? What will become of the “usual”? In these same terms, then, I wonder what becomes of that someone of something that flies in the face of their fears? What happens when someone becomes fearless? How do they get there? And what are the outcomes?
I sure did live through today. It was uncomfortable. I panicked for a little while. But in the end, it worked out. Others stepped in. The world kept turning. And I walk away feeling supported and nourished in a way I may not have even known was out there. And this is just about forgetting a piece of music and the ensuing flurry to get back on track. I can’t help but think that if I can take a deep breath and dive in to all of that that continually scares me…not just worries me but actually terrifies me, that I can make some progress…and not just for its own sake. But actually to find paths I never even knew could exist.
Or I could just jump off a cliff. It all feels the same.