My Tent on The Beach

Wow.  Two weeks since the last post.  A lot’s been going on recently.  Andras left Chicago, I kicked out my dissertation proposal (yes, out of order…I’m not done with special fields yet), choir’s up and running, and today in Chicago, fall arrived.  Actually, with howling winds and a dramatic drop in temperature, it rampaged in.  And away we go.  Tomorrow will be Thanksgiving and I’ll wonder where the fall went.

But in all of this flurry of things, I’ve been looking for solace in the steadiness, or maybe steadfastness, of some things that never seem to change.  Nothing is ever static, obviously, unless it’s not animate.  But, since I’ve been fairly drama-free lately (and I have no problem with that), I’ve been able to stand as the outsider and look in to other’s life issues…and begin to see that they’re cyclical.  We’re happy then we’re sad.  We love and then we don’t…and then we do again.  We’re excited and then depressed. And when we think we’ve had enough of something, either good or bad, that something changes…but in predictable ways.  I’ve been re-fascinated by the cyclical ways in which we work even when we know it and we know what’s coming.  We are so predictable and yet never really seem to learn or to let go.

Yesterday I was at the Alpha Sigma Nu induction…finally, the Jesuits thought I was honorable enough to pay them $75 to wear a medallion at graduation…what can I say…it was a vendetta from my Marquette days.  Anyway, the speaker reminded me of a quote from one of the Jesuit martyrs that I think is interesting.  He said:

We are not human beings looking for a spiritual experience.  We are spiritual beings embedded in a human experience.

For some reason, it really spoke to me yesterday, especially in the light of all of these cycles I’ve been watching: some of self-destruction, some of loss, some of finding joy, some searching for love.  I think de Chardin is right.  The spiritual side of us, that which cannot be seen by observing us in our physical presence, is why we do what we do.  If it were all rational and logical, we’d never choose to repeat some of the things we do.

So I guess it’s funny that in all of these changes I see happening so rapidly, that it’s really just a coming around the mountain again.  In fact, I’ve probably written about this very thing already…several times.

We never really change.  We are the steady in a context that moves around us and carries us with it.  We respond. But do we change?

I have a friend.  Very often with this friend, things can get tough…quickly.  It’s a complex relationship, complicated by a myriad of factors.  If it was anyone else, I’d probably have given up a long time ago.  But the 2nd rule of the universe is that you can’t give up on kindred spirits…ultimately, they make the world go around.  (The first rule of the universe, of course, is that you never leave home without the “holy trinity”–keys, cell phone, wallet–doesn’t matter the length of the trip…they’re all you really need.)  Kindred spirits are just too few and far between to let  go.  And so, when the tough times pop up, I grit my teeth, hunker down, and hope it’s almost over (much like every visit to the dentist).

Needless to say, Thursday wasn’t a super great day which led to a swamp of a mess with this particular kindred spirit.  Thankfully, crisis ended.  Fairly quickly.  The good thing about observant and equally committed kindred spirits is that they acknowledge that rifts wreck their world as much as they wreck yours and so we set about correcting the situation fairly quickly…but it wasn’t crisis averted.  It was tough. And disruptive.  And weird. And uncomfortable.  And I was edgy and upset.  And the world tilted in an uncomfortable direction for awhile.

This happens about quarterly.  My “go-to” friends know this and actually can see it coming.  “Hey…how are things with that kindred spirit friend of yours?” they’ll ask, checking their watch and noting it’s been almost 4 months since the last time my world got temporarily wrecked.  And we’ve been through enough now that I’m not worried, as I once was, that every wreck spelled “I got dumped by my kindred spirit.” (Those are low days…I’ve been dumped by kindred spirits before…that does cause major life trauma that scars.)  Because of the regularity (almost clockwork) of these happenstances, I try to really think them through and learn from them, lest we not repeat the horror.  And here’s what I realized after this one: This particular kindred spirit relationship cannot withstand the mundane.

I say that with admiration, actually.  One of my life goals has always been to find people who inherently interest me.  And every person I have called a friend has done this to some degree.  But I have other kindred spirits who are really “everyday” kindred spirits; we keep in close contact, we support each other in essential ways, we see eye to eye through the mundane.  But with this one particular kindred spirit who feels so similar to me I often experience a “mirror effect” when together, I know that the everyday, the grind…it’s a killer.  That, precisely, has caused every single wreck we’ve walked through.

I guess I’ve known this for awhile.  But somehow I thought the progression of the relationship over time would change this.  It hasn’t.  We cannot get caught in the mundane.  It only spells trouble.  And this is the price of interesting.  Because interesting is really not about functionality.  And why would I ever want it to be?  If I have a kindred spirit who is willing and able and enjoys engaging conversation about things that no one else will, why would I ever want to clog that up with the boring reality of the everyday?  But I’m always compelled to do it…and it always causes problems.

I’m reading Thomas Merton right now…”No Man is an Island”…and his main point is that, in everything, individuals cannot be all things to all people.  This, I think, is true of kindred spirits as well.  While I have those who are willing to support me on a day-to-day basis, all friends do not fit this category.  But both “kinds” are equally important.  And while I want to be connected on a daily basis to a person that’s so similar to me…I just cannot.  I think it might not meant to be that way.  And as much as I want it to be that way, I have to find a new perspective.  And just hunker down for the next wreck…which by my calculation is scheduled to take place around early December.

But interesting will always win, no matter the price.