I’m supposed to officially start Whole30 tomorrow and I’m already nervous. It’s actually not the food that’s freaking me out. As I’m starting to realize, and have known for awhile if I’m honest about it, a lot of my life is somewhat dependent on alcohol.
Thankfully, my body is not. I don’t crave it, although I used to for awhile. What’s hard is the plans others want to make that involve it and the disappointment that happens when you say, “I’ll go with you but I’m not going to drink.” I’ve been that person before who has been so annoyed that it’s almost as if I’d prefer they not go if they’re not going to drink.
In the future, I will absolutely stop being that person. Because it sets someone up, someone who is trying to do what they want to do, with an extreme feeling of failure. “Am I not fun enough on my own…do we need alcohol?” I ask now (knowing full well enough that I may, actually, not be fun enough because I’m not fun in the traditional sense. But in the past, as the answerer of that question, I’d tacitly suggest, “No. It’s not fun when someone in the party is not doing what everyone else is doing.”
That’s literally the dumbest thing I’ve ever written, responded, or thought as an adult.
So in the context of Whole30, I’m realizing I have to get a compelling speech and a Plan B for when this comes up and it most certainly will. And most important about the Plan B is that it really has to speak compellingly to me; I am my worst enemy when it comes to these choices. This might be how I find myself in this position in the first place: I’m an incredible wingman when it comes to drinking. It’s one of my better skill sets and I enjoy it. So choosing to leave that behind and just show up as me and drink club soda and lime or a delicious iced tea challenges me…to bring my own best self and not worry about the rest.
I’m making this choice because I suspect that alcohol is literally wrecking my body from the inside out. I think I’m incredibly sensitive to it and my cells have been trying to tell me that for a long time and I’ve ignored them…for a long time. The experiment is worthy, I think it will pay off, but it’s time for that willpower lever of mine to hold firm.
I drinking is a requirement, I’ll catch you in mid-November. Otherwise, a virgin scotch and soda for me.
Oh what the hell. Make it a double.