In the Hole30: W30, Day 5

I had such swagger on Monday.  “I’m doing Whole30,” I proudly announced to the world.  “I’ve totally done these elimination diets before so I’m pretty confident it’s going to go well.”

[scratch to halt]

Hold up.  I’m doing Whole30…eliminating a bunch of energy sources my body LOVES (and also loves to hate).  So on mere Day 5, I’m limping to this blog to say yesterday I was such a blob that I couldn’t muster the energy or the will to even write that I was a blob.

And of course, all of the fat-laced sheen of Whole30 has worn off at this point.  I usually prefer to consume my fat with sugar (donuts) or other delicious systems of body cellular oppression.  So that “awesome” guacamole I was eating Monday is now tasting like pure sacrifice.  All of those carb cravings I thought for sure I could magically avoid are now hitting like a ton of everything I want to stuff in this pie hole.

Pie.

And I’m sleeping like the dead which is nice.  But I’m struggling with the waking portion of that equation.  So sleepy, so unmotivated; energy thou hast betrayest me.  I pondered quitting last night when, lo, like a deposit made purely of magic and rainbows landed on my doorstep: my box from Thrive.

Thrive Market is a handy strategy for those of us who cannot afford even to walk past Whole Foods (I’m pretty sure their doormats automatically charge your ApplePay card so…be careful there…you do get a 10% discount if you’re an Amazon Prime member).  Thrive carries all the froo-froo keto, paleo, “seeds and sticks” you need to succeed on these things and it’s actually somehow cheaper if you’re buying to commit.  Thrive was Unicorn Parcel Service (UPS) today because I ordered Nutpods which is an almond/coconut milk/coconut cream, dairy-free, gluten-free, gum free, carageenan free, joy free, Whole30 approved coffee creamer (and possibly also moisturizer) that you can’t find at Sonny’s Foods on the corner of Sheridan and Lunt next to the fax machine and the expired Bagel Bites.  No, no.  You need those very fancy, lose-your-shirt stores.  Thanks Thrive.  Truly I do appreciate you.  Back to the story:

Thank all in heaven that Nutpods were here.

The conundrum at the moment was, of course, that I couldn’t drink coffee at 7pm because I am old. But it gave me hope.  That little candelight flicker of hope that said somewhere, amidst all the guacamole, “You have a good reason to get up tomorrow.”  So I fell back into the sleep leviathan knowing that when I surfaced like the Precogs in Minority Report, I would have a luscious, creamy cup of coffee to drag me out of the goo.

And can we all agree the Precogs got a pretty terrible deal.
You see, up until this point in the week I’ve been drinking my coffee virtually black (maybe some MCT oil powder in there just to make it palatable) and I’ll give you my report on that: cheap coffee black is a punishment.  Ugh. Just. Ugh.  So this was my saving grace, the wind beneath my wings, the answer.
This morning, June practically jumped on me to get me out of bed and after stumbling down the block looking like the Krazy Dawg lady, I plucked my most favorite, socially-conscious mug out of the dishwasher, brewed up some very mediocre Trader Joes swill and Nutpods…pumpkin spice even.

And it was almost like my regular coffee.  I didn’t hear Seraphic choirs, the planets did not magically re-align into a new system of peace and love.  
But you know what?  It’s as good as I got right now.  And I’ll take it.  Swollen hands and all.  Day 6 has GOT to be better.

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