Making decisions is hard. I’m a Libra and I, by astrological nature I suppose, weigh every possible ounce of every choice before going with one, unless I’m spending money on Amazon, in which case I veer recklessly from page to page adding stuff to a cart I don’t even review before buying. But when it comes to real stuff–no, that takes a long time.
Since finishing my graduate work I’ve noticed a personality change headed in the wrong direction regarding this. Somehow, that experience exacerbated everything to the point that I can sit in indecision for years. Ultimately, I think this comes out to learning how to sit in the discomfort of having no clue where you’re going with an idea indefinitely. I’ve gone to the edge of extinction and learned you can actually live there as long as you want with no real consequences except the utter destruction of your own nervous system, and came back from it. Not unscathed…no, badly, badly scathed…but still alive and kicking. And no one cared.
I digress. The point is that I’ve tortured myself for almost five years with this job and had an epiphany yesterday as I was in the perfectly mundane context ripe for epiphanies–making hot dogs for dinner. I just have no interest in what I’m doing. I could care less.
And that’s it. It’s as simple as stating your name or brushing your teeth. No gnashing of teeth, no complexity. Maybe the issue with my job is just not liking it. It has nothing really to do with the people or the politics or the circumstances of it–I just could not care less about the job I have been given to do.
This may seem so ridiculously basic but you don’t understand what the past 5 years have been like: passive-aggressive office life, conflict with boss and sometimes coworkers, a building that is toxic in, like, four different dimensions, pettiness, team-building gone wrong…I mean the list goes on and on. And I have sweated blood over all of this. “Why can I not get a handle on this?” I’ve asked myself countless times, especially when times are bad. “Why do I have to consistently rise above?” I’ve wondered when stupid assholes continue to thwart my progress.
In reality, it has nothing to do with any of that. That’s been just passing the time. The reality is I don’t care. After really trying to care for a long time, just as clear as day I realized that this entire project of this place holds very little interest for me. It doesn’t matter to me if they succeed or fail. It doesn’t matter at all if this approach or method succeeds or fails. I think they’re on the wrong track. I feel it in every cell in me.
I think it’s been that way for a really long time.
The beauty of this thought, this realization is that I can finally let go without remorse. For so long I’ve felt obligated to stay and make this work and I couldn’t do it. I kept failing because my goals were askew–they weren’t mine, not even a little. I was doing someone else’s bidding and I wasn’t bought in. I’m still not bought in.
I have felt such calm come over me since that very moment of hot-dog waiting clarity. I know exactly what needs to be done now. I need to go. I want to go. Because this is not my place and these are not my people. Let’s find a place where those things are.
That’s a project worthy of my time.